The silence that prevents healing

As a relative to a person suffering from an addiction you often keep quiet and don't talk about your own problems. You might feel ashamed, guilty or maybe you got a bad conscience. You don't want anyone else to know how things really are. As a relative it is common to often put a lot of energy in keeping up a good looking facade. To smile even though you don't feel like it, or to lie in order to hide the truth.

Keeping quiet and not talking about how things really are is one of the biggest obstacles which stops us from staring to feel better. The silence prevents us from healing and feeling better.

Talking with others in order to hear their perspective and knowledge is an invaluable means to heal! That doesn't mean you have to share your deepest fears and problems with everyone you meet. We wouldn't do that anyway. Your inner struggles aren't everyone's business. But one idea is to choose a number of people that you trust. Talk to heal. If you want to talk to someone that knows more about relatives to people suffering from addiction, ask a therapist or coach whom work with these kind of problems.

Speak out! It's going to make you feel better. One step on that road can be to write something in the comment section on this blog! :-)

Emotional neglect

Children that have grown up in families with alcohol and drug abuse problems often say that they feel forgotten and neglected, not seen or acknowledged. They also say that they started to take responsibilities of adults at an early age since the substance abusing parent didn't take that responsibility.

A woman that I met, that grew up with an alcoholic father, has told me that her feelings were never tended to and that they didn't talk about feelings in her family. This is why she today, as an adult, has taken on the challenge to put words on the feelings she feel in different situations.

Being emotionally neglected as a child has its consequences once the child becomes an adult.. When one of the parents has an alcohol or drug addiction problem, that person is probably periodically unable to give attention to their child's feelings. And if the other parent has their attention on the addict, then the child will be forgotten. As an adult the forgotten child might have low self esteem, easily conform to other's wishes without thinking about what they want, trying to perform in order to get noticed or not being able to handle or trust their own feelings.

This is only a single problem amongst many that children growing up with parents who suffers from addiction experience. 

We need to recognize and help these children, and we also need to help the many adults who still suffers from the consequences.of going through this type of childhood. Especially those who find it hard talking about their past or their feelings. There is help to give and there is help to be given!  

Do you have any thoughts or questions? 
Please send me an email at: info@carinabang.se 

Take care! 
/Carina  

What happens when the addict gets sober?

Many relatives have taken on too big responsibilities for another adult. They take care of, protect and help the other person. It has become a big role in life for the relative that also leads to the relative feeling needed and important.

But what happens if the alcoholic gets sober? Many relatives experience emptiness at that stage. All the time they put on taking care of the alcoholic isn't replaced with something else. The now sober alcoholic take care of themselves and their own responsibilities. That means that the relative as a care-taker isn't needed anymore. This often leads to the relative feeling unimportant, unloved and that feeling of emptiness and pointlessness.

To work with your own behaviors means to work with personal development. Taking care of yourself, you own life and wellbeing. To strengthen you self-esteem. To realize that you can be loved without being needed. And that being needed isn't the same thing as being loved.

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Grateful people are happier!

It is proven, through science, that people who are grateful are more happy!

People with the ability to feel gratitude, even for the small things and nuances of life experience greater happiness. The ability to be grateful of those things we otherwise might take for granted.

A tip is to write a gratitude-list every day, to learn to be more observant of things that happen daily that you can be grateful about.

Hence the question: What are you grateful for today?

If you want to read more about what science shows about happiness, read "The Science of Happiness" by Stefan Klein.

Mindfulness is a way to wellbeing

I have gotten some help from a relative that has found mindfulness to be very helpful when trying to find wellbeing. Here are some tips she wants to share!

Being mindful means to be here and now, to appreciate what you have in each moment.

How many people aren't worrying about what happened yesterday or dreading what tomorrow will bring but forgetting to appreciate what is now?

We can't do anything about the past, only accept it, and the future we know nothing about. But today, right now we have the possibility to start creating the life we want to live! The most amazing thing is that we can always restart, the now is always with us!

Mindfulness is focusing a lot on breathing and I want to share my two favorite exercises that are easy to start with. It's important to give it time. If you do these exercises many times every day for two months I dare to promise that something will have happened to you!

1; Take a deep breath, hold it a couple of seconds and breathe out. When taking the next breath, pretend that you are breathing out old worries, angst or other unpleasant things that you want to get rid of. When breathing in there is strength, happiness and wellbeing in the air in your lungs. Take as many breaths you can until you feel lighter mentally and you get a feeling of calmness. Maybe you won't feel anything the first time you do this, but keep doing this exercise, when you are cooking, standing in line at the grocery store, stuck in the traffic, need a break from work, before going to bed…

2; This exercise aims to make you let go of things you can't change or affect anyway. When you feel the thoughts that you can't do anything with starting to form you can practice thinking them away and think your way to the now instead. What do I do now, ("well, I'm doing a jigsaw puzzle with my child, she/he has grown so big… and smart… "), what does it look like here, what does it smell like, what are the sounds? If it is hard to find the now you can instead try to think of a place where you find peace. It can be your favorite place, perhaps the sea, the forest or a fantasy place.

Both of these exercises are easy and will reduce your feeling of stress, you will get stronger and stronger, get in control of your thoughts and feelings and you will be able to make decisions in a completely different way by focusing on yourself, something we relatives so easily forget!

There are many good CD's with mental training exercises, mindfulness and relaxing. Buy something that feels good and listen to it every night before you fall asleep. You will fall asleep easier, sleep better and wake up more rested, and also this will reduce your stress.

Good luck! And please get in touch later with thoughts, reflections and your own experiences!