Thursday, March 27, 2014

Must, should, will = Motivation-stoppers

Do you feel like you often must, should and will? Like this:
I should clean…
I must do the dishes…
I will cook now…

With all too many shoulds and musts there is a risk that we feel burdened and that life is only filled with requirements and duties. So we can comfort ourselves with the thought that there is only one thing we actually must do: We all must die.
Until then, it is up to our choices.

One way to motivate yourself to these musts and shoulds is to change the words. Try! If you instead say: I really want it to look nice and clean around me! (instead of "I should clean") Doesn't it feel a little more motivating?

So what you do is to exchange the words must, should and will to something more motivating, like "I want to, I feel like, I look forward to…"
Then you think about what result you want to achieve, what is the prize for doing this?

I --- must --- study.
I --- want --- to get good grades.

I --- should --- do the laundry.
I --- want --- to have clean clothes.

I --- have to --- save $100 each month.
I --- feel like --- going on a vacation next month.

Friday, March 21, 2014

Who is your best friend?

Do you often do things for others that you don't really want to do? Do you say yes but you mean no? Or do you cancel or neglect things you'd want to do in favor of someone else's needs? Do you say no to yourself and your needs and prioritize other's?

Who are you guaranteed to live with every second, minute, day, week, month and year for the rest of your life?
Treat yourself like you would treat your best friend!


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Saturday, March 15, 2014

Trust?

Hello guys!

I recently wrote a book for relatives of substance abusers. I wrote one of the passages because I often get the question "Can I trust him/her again?" I thought I'd share a piece of what I wrote about trust:

"After many disappointments and let-downs it is only natural that you don't feel like you can trust the other person any more. Many relatives feel guilty because of it. Also the addict sometimes blames the relatives for doing this, and say things like: "What does it matter if I try to better myself? You still don't trust me!"

Through my job I often meet people that wonder: -"How could I ever trust him/her again?". "How can I trust that he/she won't drink again?" Other relatives try to make a choice instead -"I choose to trust him/her." The feeling I can get during those conversations is that many people feel that it is rude or unfitting to not trust someone. Although to me it seems pretty reasonable and explainable that you don't trust someone that has broken so many promises, let you down many times and in that way hurt you. Would you trust a friend or your boss if they again and again broke promises? Probably not.

To be able to trust someone is based on that you during a period of time have been able to see a certain amount of predictability and reliability in that person and that they don't hurt you. Both predictability and reliability are often affected when someone develops an addiction. And after a let-down it takes time to trust again. The person needs to use new actions in a longer time perspective to show that there is predictability and reliability. It takes time and that is alright.

You can also think about it in another way: Trust that the person can take drugs/drink if they want to. Trust that however much you try to control the addict they will always be smarter if they want their drug. You can trust that. Also trust that your relative has the power to change, if they want to."

What thoughts and reflections do you have on this?

/Carina

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Sunday, March 9, 2014

You can't prevent

"You can't prevent the birds of sorrow from flying over your head,
but you can stop them from building a nest in your hair"

Chinese saying

Monday, March 3, 2014

Control is an illusion...

My fantastic coach-colleague and author Emma Pihl has written wise things about control in the book "Let go - be free from your control needs."

Quote:
The truth is that it really doesn't matter if we try to control or if we let it go; we cannot, in any case, determine the future. Control is an illusion that creates a false sense of safety in our lives. That illusion can become so addictive that it no longer is we ourselves that decide that we want to continue controlling. The control has started to control us."


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