Monday, October 28, 2013

Are you looking for the truth in the wrong place?

As a relative to an addict you suffer from anxiety every now and then. Has the person been drinking or taking drugs? Or not? Maybe we recognize behavior from other times when the person has been using. We get a bad feeling in our guts, something does not feel right, but we don't want to believe that the person has started using or drinking again.

When we feel the anxiety and suspiciousness we seek security and assurance. We ask the addict if they are lying. If he/she has been taking drugs or been drinking. The problem, however, is that the person that possibly did drink/take drugs will probably lie because of these reasons:

1) The person wants to protect the drug and wants to use their drug alone.
2) The person says whatever you want to hear to avoid making a big deal out of it.

So if you are seeking the truth you must seek in the right place. Either through fact, that the person takes a drug-test or breath-test. Or that you turn to a professional with a lot of knowledge about addiction and using behavior. There you can get an un-biased view of what you are worrying about.



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Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Pitfall: misfocussing

As a relative to a person suffering from addiction you can be fully occupied with trying to control another person's feelings. Or to protect them from things that can be a burden. We can try to minimize the consequences of the addiction for the person, so that they won't have to deal with them. Or focus on trying to make them happy and satisfied with their lives.

We can be so pre-occupied with that that we miss to see the actual problem.

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Wednesday, October 16, 2013

Don't make any decisions when...

... you are filled with guilt and have a bad conscience. The risk is that you as a relative react very fast, rather than think over the thing for a while and act later.
Guilt and bad conscience can blur our sight of what is actually the most constructive thing to do in the situation. We might not take in all the facts and don't see the whole situation because our feelings of guilt have taken over and we want to free ourselves from them. Then it is easy to act in a way that we later regret.

It can also be the addict that projects these feelings on the relative, either because they want to achieve something or because they themselves are feeling so bad they can not stand their own feelings.
One good thing to do can be to let the thing get settled for a couple of days and instead talk to others that have experience of addiction problems. Then it is easier to make a decision that is positive in the long run.

Breathe calmly...



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Thursday, October 10, 2013

Passive-aggressive

Have you been subject to passive aggressiveness?

It can be hard to single out when it has happened or when you have been a victim of it. It can instead show itself as a hard lump in your stomach and you notice that you have agreed to something that you didn't really want to do.

Passive aggressiveness is expressed in the form of a quiet and persistent reluctance to finding solutions, see things from different perspectives and to listen to other's opinions. The purpose of this persistent silence can for example be that the person wants to punish the other, or to have things their way by making the other person give up.

Often the ones that express their aggressiveness this way are people with great insecurity or low self esteem. They are not clear in their communication and think that the people around them should understand how they are feeling and what they need. They leave it up to the relatives to do a strange guessing game to try and single out what the person is annoyed about and what needs the person has.

Because of their insecurity the passive aggressive is often in need of attention and sometimes wants to shrink the space for the ones that surround them because they want all attention for themselves. As an example, if a woman is in a relationship with a man that controls the relationship with passive aggressiveness she might one day want to do something outside of the relationship. This becomes a threat towards the insecure man's self esteem and leads to the man acting with passive aggressiveness to punish the woman and steer her to stay at home after all.

Note: both women and men can try to steer others with passive aggressiveness.

Is this something that you recognize in one of your close relationships? It is not easy to handle. One step on the way is to stand by your values and what is important to you, regardless of the reaction. If you back out and let the other get their will through by their passive aggressiveness this will be strengthened in that person and it is possible that they will continue to use it.
You can also in a friendly manner be clear about that you don't appreciate that behavior and that the person themselves has to take responsibility for clearly expressing what they want and also take responsibility for their own feelings. And before the person communicates this without punishing, that will be something that you can not change.

Do you have experience of handling a person with passive aggressiveness? What have you learnt from this? Write about it in the comments! :-)

/Carina


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Friday, October 4, 2013

Shame

Shame is a deep, heavy and tearing emotion. The shame is closely related to angst, humiliation, guilt and degradation.

If you go through a traumatic experience shame is often an emotion that appears afterwards. Shame worsens the process of recovery and the ability to heal because the person is unable to forgive themselves for being at the wrong place at the wrong time. Shame can also appear because of our culture, religion, family, our childhood or the past.

People with strong feelings of shame often have bad self esteem and feel different and less worthy and in some cases they feel like bad or evil people. The trauma and the resulting shame strengthen one another, which causes a bigger damage in mental wounds. In the end, the consequences can be that the traumatized person no longer feel that they are worthy to be loved or lead a good life. To get rid of the feelings of shame is a essential part of recovery after a traumatic experience.

If you need help to handle your feelings of shame you should talk to a professional therapist. One of the most effective actions to reduce the shame is to express your feelings, get guidance and support in your healing process. If you don't want to go to a therapist a loyal friend can be a replacement and offer help, the main point is that you talk to someone to release the shame. Your listener should be someone that supports you and shows you acceptance with a positive attitude.

After that you have to agree to forgive yourself. Ask yourself if your life would be different or better if you could forgive yourself and let your thoughts of shame go.

Lastly, have faith!
However big your feeling of shame may be or have been, it is possible to heal.



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