"Tough love"

Tough love. Have you heard the expression before? I have heard it so many times that you should use "tough love" towards the person with substance abuse. But what exactly is "tough love" Can love be tough? Or is it about functional and respectful attitude, towards yourself and others? How do you interpret "tough love"? Please write in the comments and tell us your views and experiences of this!

I interpret tough love to mean:

* To clearly communicate your values​​, what you think is okay or not.

* To stand up for your own values ​​and not compromise or violate what you believe in.
* Be clear and respectful in your communication and not ramble.

* To not accept what does not feel good for yourself.

* Do not take the negative consequences of drug use for the person with alcohol and drug problems.
* Let him or her handle and take responsibility for the negative consequences that the alcohol or drugs created for them.

* To not allow yourself to believe in lies, instead believe in what you see.

* To support the person with the dependency problem when he/she makes a change to become clean and sober. (For example, when he/she goes into treatment, attend AA meetings, etc.)

What does "tough love" mean to you?

/Carina

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Monday 3/25 2013

Thank God it´s Monday!

Or how do you feel about this day and this new week?

Some meet a new work day with a heavy mind and already long for the comming weekend. While it for many relatives can be a relief that it is Monday and time to leave home and go to work. Finally the weekend wrapped up. Maybe it went well, things were quiet and you could relax. Or maybe it was a weekend filled with alcohol and fights.

Anyway, regardless of how this weekend has proceeded, what can you do this Monday and this week so that you can get to feel as good as possible? What is your commitment to yourself?

Please do write in the comments and tell us! It can encourage others too!

Great strength!

/Carina

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Do the kids understand more than we think?

As parents we naturally want our kids to be happy, feel good and secure. It is therefore hard to make yourself realise that the kids also are affected by the grown-up's alchohol and drug abuse.

In many cases the adults do their drinking or intake of the drug in a way that is the least harmful for the kids possible, and often you can hear relatives make statements such as:

"No, the kids don't notice anything, he/she drinks only when they have gone to sleep"

"The kids don't know about this, he/she becomes extra nice to them when he/she drinks"

"You don't notice when he/she is drunk, it is only I who see it"

And so on...

It is a common misconception that children do not understand just because they are not present during the actual intake and perhaps not during the intoxication either. Children not only affected by the alcohol, children are affected by the relationship between the adults.

If there frequently is a bad atmosphere, conflicts, blame, isolating silences and so on, the children are affected by it, regardless if they see the intake of the drug or not. They might not understand exactly what the problem is, but they can see that someting is wrong. And if nobody talks to the child about this, the risk is that the child takes the blame for the family problems.

Another common reaction from the children is that they are angry with the other parent (not the user) because they feel that it is them who fights, are angry, nag and creates conflicts, because they don't understand the real problem.

In conclusion: Kids are affected and sense/understand more than we think they do.

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Coping strategies

   To as a relative to a person with substance abuse problems yourself develop  negative behaviours is actually perfectly natural, in an unnatural situation.

  These behaviors do probably, during a given period, work as survival insticts, especially if you for instance as a child grew up with substance abusing parents. But in the long run, and in your relation to other people, coping strategies can be negative and destructive. 

   I myself believe that a certain type of negative behaviors can be explained as "my concern for another human being transferred to control over an adult person, to the point that it affects my own well-being and my helath". You develop these behaviors in certain circumstances in relation to another person.

   Coping can briefly be described as behaviors individuals develop in a stressful circumstance that at the time being helps the person deal with what is painful. The strategy helps you find stability in a chaotic situation. These approaches can in the long run be negative instead of helpful. Like minimizing or reducing the problems to cope with them easier. That can result in you not giving the problem the attention it requires. It may in time become very negative and it is worth investing in yourself to break any such pattern.

Take care of yourself!

/Carina

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Exercise for managing decision anxiety

Decision anxiety. Do you relate to it? To vacillate between different decisions, yes or no, back and forth. It is tedious and tiring. It is a relief once you come to a decision that you settle for.

Sometimes you can be afraid of the pain that comes if you choose to make a change. On the other hand, it could mean a greater pain to not make a change. 

An exercise that can be helpful in decision anxiety is often called "The Ambivalence cross".

Write down the pros and cons of the situation just as it is now and then the pros and cons of change.

Sometimes it becomes very clear what is best to do when one column gets longer and has more important points than the other. Else, it is not as clear, but on the other hand you got to sort out what really is at stake and what affects you in the matter.

Advantages of the current situation	Advantages of change
Disadvantages of the current situation	Disadvantages of change

It is quite common that under "Disadvantages of Change" will be listed different fears we have for change. If that is the case when you filled in the cross, you can reflect further on what to do to fix, manage and minimize these obstacles and fears of change.

Write in the comments if you get stuck or have questions about the exercise!

/Carina 

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