What do you prioritize?

A common order of priorities if you live with a person with addiction tend to be:

1. First, it's the drug (for the person with substance abuse problems and for the relative to think about/try to control/worry about)

2. Second, the addict themselves (to meet their needs and resolve critical situations).

3. In the best case, the relative him or herself comes in third place (if there is enough time and energy over to take care of his or her own needs).

Recognize these priorities?

In that case, is that how you want to continue to prioritize your life? Or do you want to rearrange the order of priorities?

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Help or aggravate?

Does it help if I protect the addict from the consequences of addiction? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the addict believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences?

Does it help if I pay drug debts? Or do I instead aggravate the situation by making the person able to buy more drugs for the money?

Does it help if I wipe up the vomit after a drunk night? Or do I aggravate the situation since the drinker then thinks that he can continue to drink and it'll work out anyway?

Does it help if I pay the rent for the person who has been drinking or bought drugs for their money? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the abuser believe he doesn't need to take responsibility for the consequences of using the money for alcohol and drugs?

Does it help if I call in sick for my wife/husband/children if the person is unfit to go to work? Or do I aggravate the situation by making the person believe they don't have to deal with the negative consequences of drinking/drug use?

Does it help if I lie in favor of the abuser? Or do I aggravate the situation once again since he then wouldn't need to see the negative consequences of drug use?

Help or aggravate?
What is helpfull?

 

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Need of control?

What is the need of control? Many close relatives to people suffering from addiction have developed a great need of control. 

Control the other person's mobile phone, eavesdrop on phone calls, make calls and check where the person is, what he does, what state he's in, who he hangs out with, going through the pockets, looking in the bags, looking through the house, go and spy to know where the relative can be and so on...

What function does the need of control fill? I think it may have several causes.

1. Alleviating anxiety. As a relative I build up angst and panic through my anxiety and my thoughts about that my relative may be taking drugs or drinking alcohol. To reduce my own angst, prove my fantasies wrong, I start to control. And hopefully that will confirm that my suspicions were false, and my angst is reduced for the moment.

2. I believe myself able to influence/impede the alcoholic or drug users drug-intake. Through controlling, I'm trying to show that "I know". I try to get the person to think about something else, interrupt substance abusing activity, get hold of the alcohol/drug and throw it away, try in various ways to prevent the person from drinking/taking the drug. I hope/think I have power over the intake, something which I really am powerless over.

3. I do not trust my gut feeling and look for evidence. My gut tells me that my loved one is lying to me, behaves strange, smells odd, speak differently, etc. But I do not believe it. And I dare not say what I suspect, for the risk of my relative only denying it. And I will be lied to again. I try to control and find evidence for that my gut is right (or wrong) so that I can confront. The problem is that the addict can deny anyway. Even if you hold the evidence in your hand.

In 2 years?

If you would live like you do now 2 years longer, how would you feel then? If you have not made ​​any change at all, how would you then feel in 2 years? If you continue like now, where are you in 2 years?

Emotionally?

Physically?

Socially?

Leisure?

Career?

Joy?

Quality of life?

Balance?

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